Have you ever been in a situation when it was necessary to provide someone else with feedback about their performance? Parents, spouses and employers all share this common denominator; they often have to provide their child, spouse or employees with much needed constructive feedback.
There is, however, a real challenge inherent in providing feedback: not everyone welcomes it. If the feedback is simply an encouraging pat on the back, that’s easy. But what if you have to give a little guidance and advice, a slight nudge in the right direction? However you slice it, giving advice will be perceived as criticism and most people respond negatively to criticism. Allow me to share with you an insight from this week’s Torah portion that will provide some guidance on this. When describing the process of preparation that was needed for the oil used to light the Menorah in the daily Temple service, the Torah tells us that the olives should be “crushed for lighting,” (i.e. made into oil in order to light the Menorah). The wording seems somewhat awkward and much has been written about it. To me it seems that in reality, the verse is providing us with invaluable guidance. There may be a time when it’s necessary to “crush” (i.e. criticize) someone. And although certainly warranted, it has to be with the intention “for lighting”: To strengthen them and assist them. Not just to beat them down. How can we ensure that our well meant guidance and advice doesn’t get taken the wrong way? That’s dependent on our general interaction with the other person - do we continually provide positive feedback too? In fact, for our advice to even have a chance to be heard, we need to be sure that our feedback is heavily weighted on the positive side at a minimum ratio of 5:1 (or more). When our focus is on the “lighting” i.e. building the other person up and encouraging them, then even when we provide constructive feedback it will be taken that way and effective. However, if all we do is “crush,” if all the other person hears from us is criticism - no matter how well intentioned - it will not have a positive effect. On the contrary, it will undermine the relationship.